Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
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*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What’s the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
wut hotdog?
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
them: do you promise to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you god?
me: finger quotes sure
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.