ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
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If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.
i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
IRS: hey time to do taxes guess how much you owe
Me: i don’t want to guess can you just tell me
IRS: …
Me: hello?
IRS: i’m thinking of a number between one and jail
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Him: you work from home all the time, how do you deal with the isolation?
Me: *mouth full of 8am icecream* I’m glad you’ve come to me about this matter
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.
there is no way you can prove that babies grow and are not instead replaced overnight with entirely new but slightly larger babies
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
I beg your pardon?
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*