my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
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(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
*pronounces UPS like yoops
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
When I die, throw me on Mt. Everest so it looks like I was trying to do something.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
Man you get spotted dumping one rolled-up tarp into a swamp and all anyone ever wants to talk about is your “cloud of suspicion”
Wife: It’s like we don’t even know each other anymore
Me: Not this crap again, Brenda
Wife: That’s not my name
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
the divorce rate among my socks is astonishing