goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
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Me: You think you have all the answers but believe me, you need what I have up here..
*points to head*Her: What, half a bottle of mousse?
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Maybe I’m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Gabriel “Really? That’s how you want humans to reproduce?”
God “Trust me. It will be hilarious.”
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
DATING TIP: Girls love sensitive guys. Loudly wince when she touches you. Re-apply sunblock 38 times. Bring up how often your gums bleed.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet