LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
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Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
good morning to everyone except the people who make TV shows that include critical dialogue being messaged between characters which is nearly impossible for the viewers to read
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume