The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
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Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Me: If I eat another bite, I’ll explode
Mom: More pie?
Me:
Mom:
Me:
Mom:
Me: Yes, obviously
It’ll have to be a closed-casket funeral.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
boss : you’re gonna do the color commentary tonight ok
[later]
announcer: here goes jackson rounding 3rd
me: and those pants are as mustard yellow as it gets folks
Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Stop asking “What ELSE could go wrong?” The universe doesn’t understand that it’s a rhetorical question.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat