do what now??
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‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
My kids got like 20 pounds of candy and that is so unhealthy so obviously I have to eat it all for their own good
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
If Natalie Portman dated Jacques Cousteau they would win celebrity couple nicknaming forever with “Portmanteau.”
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Well, this explains it:
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
The Punning Dead.
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
I am one “Mom!” away from making the 6 o’clock news.
I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.
[first day as a bank teller]
robber: *pointing gun* give me all your money
me: wait, my money or the bank’s money?
robber: let’s start with yours
me: ok *walks over to the next teller* i need to make a withdrawal
Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Home is where your toilet is.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number