Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
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don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
me: I’ve got a date tonight and I need all the help I can get
barber: ok
[later]
her: you look nicebarber, from under the table: tell her she looks nice too
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
God has abandoned us.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
[Chevy commercial]
“we blindfolded people and put them in our new Chevy. Here’s what they had to say”
Man: I couldn’t see anything. I was blindfolded
Woman: I feared for my life the entire time
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
As a teen, I always imagined being an adult and saying things to my kids like, “Shut up, Beavis,” or “Stimpy, you idiot!”
But I can’t.
Not because I’m a good mom, but because they wouldn’t get the reference. And that really hurts.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Best mom ever 😂
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!