me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
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is this meant to deter me
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
Friday The 13th is only a horror movie if you care about teenagers.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Back from my bike ride and I feel fit as a fiddle … the fiddle, ya know, that most athletic of instruments…
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Ah, spring is here. Time to open the windows and remind my neighbors that I know every word to the “Grease” soundtrack.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Accidentally ran the wash with Ecstasy still in a back pocket. Now my jeans are freaking out, and the zipper won’t stop grinding its teeth.
My sister has a special type of selective hearing where she can only hear my mom announce when food is ready
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔