They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.
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Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
Him- I saw you over here sipping your wine.
Me- You clearly have me mistaken for another very attractive woman, because I don’t sip wine.
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
I’m Scottish and Irish, so when I asked my grandparents for stories they’d just tell me about various family feuds.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
Celebrities are like we’re just like you then they name their kids Fruitcake and Archipelago.
As I sit here watching my 9y/o throw a tantrum because his homework is too hard I wonder where YouTube went wrong in raising my children.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I was trying to get a quarter size spider off of the ceiling and it fell INTO MY CLEAVAGE! After screaming my head off, jumping around and shaking my top like a Polaroid picture it fell out. I’m writing this from inside a dumpster I’ve set on fire. Farewell.
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
Watched The Little Mermaid with my girl last night & realized that Aerial could be on an episode of Hoarders. : /
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Date: I’m not into public displays of affection
Me (trying to impress): I FIND THIS MAN GROTESQUE
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
Dracula: you will become a creature of the night. Not alive, but not dead. You will thirst for blood and haunt the land for eternity
Me: but I can play video games all the time, forever?
Dracula: in theory…yes
Me: ok let’s do this
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am