surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
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me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
One time I was at the beach and swam past the buoy because the life guard didn’t blow his warning whistle and I almost drowned. When I got back I yelled at him but then he asked me out and I was like whatever Brad! You can pick me up at 8!
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory
Only just finding out about a past glitch in Sims 4 where your pet can text you.
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*
Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.
Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!