boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
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watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
“What do you see in him?”
– me to the x-ray tech imaging my kid
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm.
If that’s not motivation, I don’t know what is?
Seriously, I don’t know, I’m leaving…
Wtf neighbor I waved to you last week
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
“I totally nailed that guy” – Roman soldiers
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
I feel seen.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
My dentist told me to relax, then got all judgey about me uncorking my wine in his office. He needs to make up his mind.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.
You’re ugly for a reason: God is challenging you to get girls on hard mode. #motivationalmike
I can’t deal with men any longer
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.