My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
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Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
lucifer: let’s give them free will and see how they choose
God: nice lol I’m gunna steal your idea and send you to hell
lucifer: what?
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Fine. I’ll rush you to the hospital, but then we’re doing what I want.
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
ME: There’s a dead fly in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: There’s a dead fly in a tiny burning longboat in my soup
WAITER: Yes
ME: A cricket bard sings his spirit into the next world
WAITER: Yes
ME: My compliments to the chef
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.