The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
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I JUST WANT A JOB WHERE I CAN SIT ABSOLUTELY STILL AND IF ANYONE DISTURBS ME I GET TO SCREAM
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
that de-escalated quickly
Voicemails that say check your email is why I prefer animals.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Tired: Clapping when the plane lands
Wired: Clapping when the Lyft arrives
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
This guy gets it.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Fred Flintstone drove by this morning
I do, however, think Starbucks should arrest people who are just pretending to write.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.