Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
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People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
I left a small container filled with cheerios outside in my garden for the squirrel begging for food and he stole the container, spilling cheerios all over and I don’t know, was I just robbed?
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
[Joker has Robin tied up]
“If you want to see the Boy Wonder alive, come to the old-”
“Nope. Also he’s allergic to peanuts. Like real bad.”
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh