Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
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I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I recently got a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.”
Then when people ask me what it means…
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
[horror movie in 2169]
The killer creeps up behind the college co-eds and JUST STARTS THROWING GLUTEN EVERYWHERE
[entire audience faints]
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
My parents were tough and raised us right. If we needed to pay bribes for me to go to an Ivy League college, they definitely would have made me work, save, and pay the bribes myself.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
To the chimp I laughed at in a psychology textbook that was addicted to flushing a toilet again & again & again: I’m on Twitter now I get it
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
My son has been awake for 3 hours and he’s been talking for 4 of them.
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.