[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.
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SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
How much for the sentient racist skeleton?
“Sir, that’s Ann Coulter…”
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms