If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
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Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
Me: “Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?”
Her:
Me: “I SAID, DID IT HUR-”
Medic: “Step aside sir”
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
*Being seated at a restaurant*
Hostess: Would you like a table or a booth?
Husband: Table
Me: I guess I’ll take the booth then
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
You think you’re having a bad day? My 7 year old just figured out how to whistle.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
[at a boat store]
Salesperson: Can i help you?
Me: (acting like I know what I’m doing) yes, I’d like to see your models that float please.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
Me: Pick up your toys please.
5yo: Who’s coming over?
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Husband and I reminiscing about the time I texted him on my way home:
“Can you start cooking those sausages?” Then added < 3 as a cute little heart.He cooked 2 sausages.
If I’m being honest, a Seven Nation Army probably could hold me back.
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”