[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
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I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Theft insurance for my iPhone? Nope. I bought a protector that makes it look like a little book. Nobody steals little books.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Rival dad invited us over for dinner and I offered to sharpen his kitchen knives right in front of his wife and kids.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Is there a way I can filter out all work emails except the ones telling me there are donuts or cake in the office?
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Every dog, in a previous life, has been murdered by a shoe.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
a fun thing to do when someone enters the elevator is to calmly say to them “I was murdered in this very elevator exactly one year ago”
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
My favorite Bible stories are where women are villains for things like picking fruit or getting their boyfriend a better haircut.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?