My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
Everyone thinks they won’t be that couple that goes from ‘everything you do is a turn on’ to ‘you’re breathing too loud’ but they will be, oh they will be
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid😭😂
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[christ descends from heaven]
I HAVE RETURNED
[sees america]
OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
[slashing food truck tires]
friend: wtf are you doing?!
[running away with arms filled with tacos] YOU COMIN OR NOT?!
ME: Please! Don’t! I have a family!
ASSASSIN: Who do you think sent me?
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
Executioner: Before we do this, what would you like for your last meal?
“I’ll have a panda please”
[judge, under his breath] Can he do that?
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”