The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
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I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Legend has it that if you don’t look a coworker in the eye they won’t stop to tell you about their weekend.
I know you have good intentions, but it’s cruel to set a Roomba free. For one, they’re raised in captivity and don’t have the skills to survive outside. And for two, nature abhors a vacuum.
im 7 sauces long
me in the kitchen: how do i crack an egg
me watching great british bake off: what kind of an idiot forgets to poke steam holes in their banquet pie
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
I don’t know how many capes and tutus are the maximum one person should own; I just know my daughter doesn’t want to discuss it.
This guy is heading back in to town. His wife has been sick for months, and his recent indiscretions weigh heavily on his mind. He eyes the oncoming cement truck, and feels a pull. He could leave this all behind with one turn of the-
Son: I don’t want to play hot wheels anymore
I have good and bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
We need a new front door
WIFE: And the good news?
[points to Monster Truck in living room]
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
broke my arm doing a trust fall during a team building zoom meeting
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Lord help the person who honks at a mom while she’s strapping her kids in their car seats.
It was already gonna take an hour to get us ready, but now it might just take 2.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Airbnb owner: Before you check out can you start the dishwasher, put on a load of laundry, do my taxes, and renovate the bathroom?
Me:
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.