Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
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ME: I wasn’t invited to the party
FRIEND: Yeah, people think you’re melodramatic
ME: [slaps friend with silk glove] Then I shall die alone
I have never related to a cat more
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I love when someone is like “I’m funny because I have trauma and it’s a coping mechanisms” and it’s like ok not to add to your trauma, but you’re not funny
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
“At your cervix, m’lady”
– me as an OBGYN and also just me
If someone gives you a gift and you didn’t get them one, hand it back to them politely and say, “I don’t want this shit.”.
I’d be a terrible masseuse. After 5 minutes, I’d be like, “Okay, my turn.”
I have a lot of unemployment jokes…
None of them work.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
I knew that psychic wasn’t legit when she let me write a check.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats