If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
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Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Walking my 6yo out to the car and pointing at a patch of dead weeds in the yard he says, “Mom what happened to those plants?!” and I’m like “those were dead before I got here I did not kill them.”
Seriously guys, people drive like shit when I’m tweeting
7-11 CLERK: what are you doing
ME: *staring at the hot dogs on the metal rollers* watching the oscars
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Friend: You sent her off to her first day of Kindergarten! Did you cry?
Me: Of course I cried. I’ve been waiting to feel this kind of freedom for five and a half years.
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
What do you mean you are supposed to breathe while you eat.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
The smoothest fall of all time
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots
MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.