“Where can I find the paper towels?”
“Who’s asking?”
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My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
“how did people keep up with TV before the internet?” my young friend, we didn’t need phones. if you missed an episode, there would be one person in every classroom the next morning re-enacting the plot like a town crier.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
GOOD COP: Tell us what you know
BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat
DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT
First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing. If Santa knows when kids are naughty or nice then he knew Rudolph was being bullied
Police say a man was found lying dead on his couch and wrapped in a blanket. Apparently there were signs of a snuggle.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
My kids and I are exact opposites.
They cry when I walk away, and I cry when they walk towards me.
Hot singles in your area looking to borrow a cup of air conditioning
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
(Overheard in Connecticut)
“Why is the flag at the bank flying at half staff?”
“Maybe because the market has been going down?”
Stories about panicked mothers lifting cars off their trapped babies… but it’s my wife hauling out 10 cases of wine during a house fire.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.