The only thing sexier than a girl wearing glasses is a girl wearing only glasses.
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“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
Me: The unstoppable march of time is what I fear most. Each year feels shorter than the last, and in no time at all I will be an old man on my deathbed, full of regret and impotent pleas for mercy.
Also me: wtf you mean it’s only Wednesday
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
Welcome to woodworking club, please make a seat.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
*weighs self after shaving
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Kids will find some random stick on the ground and within thirty seconds it has a name and a very thoroughly developed back story
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Is it because I’m obsessed with Greek mythology?
Her: It’s because of your stupid nicknames for things.
Me, pouring a glass of water: Would you care for Poseidon’s milk?
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.