If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
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All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
I be hella fake at work using words I never use in my real life like “awesome”
If you’re ever lost in the woods, just find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
need him
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
I would like to think that I’ll die a heroic death but it’s more likely I’ll trip over my dog & choke on a spoonful of frosting.
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
The repair guy is showing me broken parts from my dryer, and he might as well be showing my dog a wine list
Must. Not. Reply. To. That. Rhetorical. Question, Ahhh.
Ok, the temptation passed. You’re safe.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I love when Scandinavian people on internet forums are like “Sorry for the bad English, I still have a considerable amount to learn about your language, again I apologize for my diction which is likely quite malformed,”
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.