Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
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Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
I seriously hate it when a couple starts having an argument in front of you.
They could have least waited until I got dressed and left.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Dear nurses, you don’t have to announce my weight just write it down. That’s why I have my eyes closed when I’m on the scale.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control
Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!
How to properly lift a body
HR: Can you explain this??
Me: I thought it was CORNhub, with recipes on how to make delicious corn and corn related dishes
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
producer [at a stuntman’s funeral]: he died for our scenes.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.