– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
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I could ride my Peloton from here on the east coast all the way across the country and off a cliff into the Pacific Ocean and never stop to eat and people will still ask when I am due as I plummet
My goal was to lose 10 pounds this year…
~Only 15 more to go!!
It’s almost as if they don’t know the first rule of carrying rolls of wrapping paper club is; always be prepared for a sword fight, officer.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
i know this website has poisoned my brain because an earthquake just shook my bedroom, and mid-quake my very first thought was “oh boy, here come the tweets”
4yo: Can I have some more Easter candy?
Me: After lunch
4yo: I want lunch right now. I’m starving!!
Me: We just ate breakfast
4yo: Starving!
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
guy about to invent alarm clocks: i wish waking up early was worse
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My wife just put down a magazine & said “I have to stop reading this article because the author said she named her son Gideon.” ❤❤❤
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
Me: can I borrow $20?
Friend: No.
*slides him $50*
Me: how about now?
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
4YO: Mom, you just yawned. That means you’re tired.
6YO: No, she just sighed. It means she’s had it with you.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.