my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
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The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
When I was 12 I found a document on our family computer with my name on it where my mom wrote that I was “witty, which can be irritating” like damn lady name that document taxes2001 or something.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*