My 6 year old asked if we could have hotdogs for dinner and I suggested letting her mom choose the meal given the occasion. She said, “it’s Mother’s DAY not Mother’s NIGHT.”
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A world without racism exists in traffic. The anger, cursing and honking is truly based on the ability to drive, not the content of the car.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
My kids in public are direct payback for every time I shriek’d
PLEASE DON’T HIT ME AGAIN at my mom in the middle of a crowded mall as a kid.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Wedding planning is organized crime.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
Me: Ah-woooo!
The Moon: [swipes left]
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
*goes to get phone out of car
*sees car has been stolen
*finds phone in back pocket
OH THANK GOD
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive