[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*
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I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
Doughnut boxes advertise “ZERO TRANS FAT” as if anyone buying a box of doughnuts cares about the nutritional content.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
Welcome to Twitter.
Here are your stones. Your glass house will be assigned to you momentarily.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
My phone corrects “haha” to “hahaha”, so all my friends think they’re 50% funnier than they actually are.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
[Home Depot]
“Hi, my wife asked me to pick up some small finishing nails”
Clerk: Oh, with a little head?
“Nah, just verbally”
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
When you lose your phone and someone says ‘shall I call it’ like my phone hasn’t been on silent for the last 2691 years.
At my age getting up early just means that I had to go pee and I couldn’t hold it anymore.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Every time my Father in law gets trashed, he asks if I’ve lost weight… So naturally I bring a bottle of scotch every time we visit.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Grew up in a neighborhood so tough, all the kids put onions in their ‘no tears’ shampoo.