My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
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I support this random dude and all his protests
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
For two years in high school, I took guitar lessons. Something interesting I learned is that guitar resale nets a 45% loss.
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
[standoff]
NEGOTIATOR: hey chief the gunman says he has all the poetry you wrote in high school
POLICE CHIEF: tell the snipers to stand down
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
if i wanted to read your mind, i’d use an axe.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.