Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
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Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the crap is placed.
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
*Invents silent snack packages. *Becomes president of the United States.
Bring back the McRib
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
See..?
.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
Me: I’ve got a preposition for you…
English teacher: I’m listening
Straight guys on twitter, If you haven’t been hit on by a gay guy on here take a long look at yourself & figure out what’s wrong with you.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.