My dog turns sleeping on the edge of the bed into an extreme sport
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My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
Jeb Bush: “The Pope should not discuss climate change because he’s not a scientist, although if elected, I will be your wife’s gynecologist”
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
[Wife watching news]: The tuxedo store was robbed. Know anything about that?
Me in super frilly tux: Nope
*Dog walks in also wearing tux*
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Husband: You should go to bed.
Me: *pauses show* But there’s only 64 episodes left.
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
Too many toilets have automatically flushed underneath me for me not to have reservations about self-driving cars
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
If my wife takes any longer to get ready to go out, she’ll need to go and shave her legs again!!
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy