Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
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*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
*puts my mental health in rice
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
How Am I Doing? I’ll Tell You How I’m Doing Volumes: 1-8
[training to be a meat cutter]
butcher: you’re gonna want to take notes
me: ok [pulls out marker and giant roll of paper]
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
A car almost ran into me and I screamed “WOAHHHHHH THERE BUCKAROO”
I could have died and those would have been my last words
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.
“What? Only 2% Milk? Then what’s the other 98%!?”
[bull walking confidently out of the factory]
Oh you don’t wanna know
Him: I don’t believe I caught your name.
Her: I don’t believe I threw it.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”