Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
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We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Me:*shows up to 1st date with giraffe*
Her: OMG, can this date get any better
Me:*pulls out saddle* You bet giraffe it can
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Me: Be still you have something on your face.
4: Is it a snail?
Me: No. Why would a snail be on your face?
4: I don’t know mommy weird stuff happens sometimes.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Yup….perfect score!
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
There is no bigger warning of their behavior than my wife calling them, “your kids.”
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
Million dollar idea: A tampon that whistles like a tea kettle when it’s done
Also I have no idea how tampons work
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
villain: it seems i’m holding all the cards, mr. bond
james bond: UNO!
villain: shit