I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
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me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.
His protest was legendary.
there should be more car holidays besides christmas like “hoppy honda days” or “a leggxus to remember” for easter or even “creepy jeepy month” for halloween. i mean cmon do i have to do all the work around here?
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
“I wouldn’t.”
All I said was, Even those starving kids in Africa wouldn’t eat your cooking and my wifes foot became Mayor of my ass on Foursquare.
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box…
I’ll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life.
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
Keep your friends close and your enemies buried beneath your floorboards
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.