Last week: Plague.
Today: Tornado Watch.
Monday: Frogs. Just watch. It’ll be frogs.
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Women in romance books: I know I just met him 3 days ago but I am in love with him.
Me: We’ve been dating for 8 years and I guess I like you.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
New mom looking at a photo of their newborn: Isn’t my baby the most beautiful creature ever to exist?!
Same mom looking at same photo a decade later: Why didn’t anyone tell me my baby looked like gollum?!
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
New favorite tiktok
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
A screensaver for my face when someone has been talking too long.
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
Who called them mermaids and not scale models?
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.