My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
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I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
Great. Ban gay marriage. Remember what happened during Prohibition? Now we’re going to have everyone making bathtub gay marriages.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
Apparently when a potential employer asks you “where do you see yourself in five years?”, “I’m hoping to have found Bigfoot by then” isn’t the answer they’re looking for.
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins
That’s a good costume, I hope.
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
Maybe Boeing should make their planes out of Legos. They seem to stick together better than whatever they’re using
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.