There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
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The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
[opens fortune cookie]
-You will have a great night
“aw, that’s neat, wait there’s more” [unrolls note further]
marish clown assassinate you
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
Me: are you going to be a better listener?
Pause
5: maybe is the best I can do
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Establish dominance by ordering ribs on your date and refuse to use a napkin.
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.