Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
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*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Just enjoy your meal and DO NOT think about where that turkey baster has been.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders. How I learned this rule is not important.
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I love Harry Porter. All of them. Glasses kid. The ginger one. Smart girl. Dolby. The scene when Dumbledort kills Voldermore. Quizzo matches
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk