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Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Why is it called drunk texting and not ex-communicated?
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
At work, my colleagues are well-educated, dedicated professionals who do their best to assure quality and a positive result.
At home, my colleague is a 4yo who gets underfoot as I work in the yard—but who yells at every passerby “I’M HELPING DADDY!!!”
I like this way better.
Both of my girls wanted to stay home sick today until they found out the Wi-Fi was down.
**both sitting at the pub having a beer**
Me: So. What’d you give up for Lent?
Friend: I gave up drinking.
Me:
Friend:
Me: No.
Friend: I gave up drinking standing up?
Me: Nicely done.
Friend: We should do shots to celebrate….
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
[red carpet during zombie apocalypse]
“Who are you eating?”
I don’t judge you when you make a typo.
I first look at the keypad and how far the letters are apart.
Then I judge you.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
My last husband’s name is Don. I just added an E to it and walked away.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
Just ran a .3K (Ice cream truck wouldn’t stop)
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it’s your neighbor’s window and they’re calling the cops?
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.