My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
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If I win Powerball, I’m having at least six of you killed. Four of you know who you are. I think the other two will be very surprised.
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I’ve decided it’s time to fall in love again.
*orders southern fried chicken sandwich with extra pickles*
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Look, 80’s kids went from Inspector Gadget to Terminator so we have a lot of mixed feelings about technology.
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
“they arent wearing seatbelts” – my mom watching a car chase scene in any action movie
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I get it, people who leave Styrofoam everywhere. it is heavy and hard to pick up and put in the trash.
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.