Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
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I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
I’m at a second grade music recital and this is by far the most effective form of birth control I’ve ever tried.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
teacher: what did you do over summer vacation?
susie who was possessed by a demon in early july: *hanging upside down from the ceiling* mostly vomited swarms of hell bees at my mom in the hamptons
teacher: wow the hamptons? must be nice
cyclists
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?
me: (sneaking out to Christmas shop for my wife)
wife: what are you doing?
brain: lie.
me: (pulling pantyhose over face) murders.
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
I’m not saying my job sucks, I’m just saying that if you tried to abduct me in the office parking lot on my way into work, I’d struggle just until I was out of view of the corporate security cameras. Then I’ll happily get in your van AND I’ll buy you breakfast at Waffle House.
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
No thanks, Mr. Easter Bunny.
I have plenty of dying eggs.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
[Hydra command meeting]
Red Skull: Cut off one head, TWO MORE SHALL TAKE ITS PLACE!
Me, an intellectual: I feel like we’d be doing a lot better if we just grew two more without waiting for one to be cut off.
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song