-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
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You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Coming soon to NBC: She’s a lawyer who, you guessed it, doesn’t play by the rules. And he’s a doctor who, right again, pees sitting down.
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I realize one day playing pranks on my kids, that I will end up in the cheapest retirement home available
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
Life is short. Write that novel. Paint that painting. Try new recipes. Learn black magic. Go into the forest at night. Summon a demon. Earn that demon’s trust. Become best friends with it. Brag to everyone else about your new cool demon best friend. Knit that sweater.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
ME: I lied in my interview.
BOSS: what was the lie?
ME: all lies. except about my aunt.
BOSS: she wants to party with me?
ME: big time.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera