Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!
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Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
[Putting petrol in car]
19.95
19.96
19.97
[stops]
[gently now]19.98
[very gently]
19.99
[ok, once more]
[deep breath]37.83
GODDAMMIT
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
emergency phone
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
*sees people doing the mannequin challenge, brings back ice bucket challenge and dumps it on mannequin people*
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
My father-in-law has 28 grandchildren and 45 great grandchildren and he has an excel spreadsheet that he refers to regularly so he can remember all their names.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
The new deodorant I bought doesn’t tell me how many hours of coverage it provides. I’m a ticking time bomb over here.
The good news is, Tony Abbott says Australia may have spotted two pieces of the plane. The bad news is, Tony Abbott says a lot of things.
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
#Caturday