True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
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Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
My in-laws visited today.
FIL: when I was a kid I stole a candy bar from a store.
My 8yo: then why are you here shouldn’t you be in jail?
I love my son.
I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
Picture someone stepping down off a curb that they didn’t realize was there. Now you can say you’ve seen me dance.
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?