Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Emotional support bacon is a thing right? Because I’m on pound number 2
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
[Scooby Doo at an interview]
Interviewer: May I see your CV, Mr. Doo?
Scooby: *hands CV over* Rrres you may!
Interviewer: Round here we call it a CV.
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
asked my roommate for an update on my cat tofu and she sent me this 😭
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Heard Santa and his wife separated, which would make them independent Clauses.