yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
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imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
Dodgeball in gym class…
because life wasn’t already hard enough when I was 12.
That heroic moment where one of your chips break off in the dip and you send another one into save it.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Otters drive ottermobiles.
You can choose to ignore a diarrhea joke, but you can’t outrun it.
How good looking am I? Put it this way, if a hot girl adds on social media
I know it’s a scam
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
FYI THIS MAN IS NOT A DOCTOR HE PRESCRIBED ME TWO PLATES OF SPAGHETTI FOR MY BROKEN PELVIS AND THEN THREW A TURTLE AT ME