Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
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[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
I’m dying louder than usual today.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
RIP Rose, you would’ve loved Let It Go
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
When CNN says they’re “breaking news” they are, in a sense, right.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
I hate when you have 47 items and the cashier asks, “Do you need a bag?” Oh no, I’m heading right back to the circus, so I’ll just juggle all this shit for 6 miles”
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
looking for a 5 bedroom 3 bath house for $30
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
interviewer: can you work overtime?
me: *nodding* and space
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
[text]
Hub: I have to go to the doctor.
Me: Is it your eyes?
Hub: Yes!
Me: Is your vision blurry?
Hub: Yes!!
Me: You’re wearing my contacts.
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
A car with a car rack looked like a police car, so I slowed down, only to realize I had been tricked into obeying the law FOR NO REASON.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Usage Guidelines
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*